


Twenty

by Madkat89



Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: Culture, Developing Relationship, F/M, Past Relationship(s), Societal Norms, Women in society, finding yourself, journeys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 18:18:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19706866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madkat89/pseuds/Madkat89
Summary: When Kaoru's 20th birthday arrives and Kenshin has still not proposed, Kaoru has to decide whether to keep hoping for his love or give up and move on with her life.





	1. Chapter 1

Kaoru absently wiped at the sweat on her face, trying to ignore the man standing expectantly by the door. She had come to teach at a dojo across town, hoping that time away from him would help her clear her head and get a better perspective on things. However, in her haste to get away from him, she’d forgotten her umbrella. And a certain infuriating redhead just had to follow her and bring it, grinning his rurouni smile and saying how ‘Sessha couldn’t possibly allow Kaoru-dono to get wet.’ Upon hearing that, she’d felt her heart crack a little more but kept her face impassive, a skill built up from over a year of practice. She’d tried to send him back, but he’d insisted on waiting for her. Unwilling to cause a scene, she had acquiesced and resumed teaching.

Right then, the last student left and she couldn’t avoid him any longer. She walked over to him, but couldn’t quite manage a smile. Without speaking, Kaoru waited for him to open the umbrella then they headed out into the pouring rain. The rain drummed steadily on the umbrella and she didn’t try to speak. She thought that he tried to speak a couple of times, but when she looked over, he merely shrugged and played with the handle.

The silence between them was an odd thing, not heavy exactly, but not their usual comfortable silence. Kaoru sighed inaudibly. She wasn’t one to brood, if she had a problem or something was worrying her, she usually just came out with it. But lately she’d had a lot on her mind and she found herself withdrawing from those around her while she tried to figure out what to do. This was something that she had to figure out for herself, but she still felt guilty about shutting Kenshin out. She turned her head towards him and was about to speak when something moved in her peripheral vision. Turning her head back, she was surprised to see a young woman struggling to carry an armful of packages and handle her umbrella at the same time. Right then, the woman tripped and fell hard, sending her umbrella and packages flying. 

Kenshin immediately ran to her side, leaving Kaoru standing unprotected in the pouring rain. She hurried after him, feeling the moisture already starting to seep through her clothes. However, she couldn’t fault him for rushing to help someone. It was one of things that she loved about him. She reached their side right as he helped the girl into a sitting position. She caught her breath as she realized how lovely the young woman was. Her jet black hair was swept up in a feminine hairdo that went perfectly with her delicate pink kimono. A gentle blush covered her cheeks, drawing the eye to her dainty nose, rich chocolate eyes, and porcelain skin. A shy smile graced her lips, making her look like an adorable china doll.

Kenshin’s voice was a deep rumble from where he knelt by her, “Are you ok, miss?”

Peeking through her lashes, she replied, her voice soft and sweet. “My ankle, I, I think I twisted it.”

He handed her his umbrella to protect them from the rain while he deftly checked her ankle. Agreeing with her assessment, he insisted on carrying her to her home, which she told them was just up the street. Making sure that she had a firm grip on the umbrella, he didn’t even glance Kaoru’s way before starting off.

Kaoru felt her heart ache at this. She knew that she should be glad that he thought that she was capable of taking care of herself, but it hurt that he was so wrapped up in this lovely stranger that he couldn’t even take the time to make sure that she was still there. Gathering up the girl’s packages, she covered them with the girl’s umbrella best she could to keep them from getting any wetter before reluctantly following after Kenshin and that girl. She tilted her face up slightly into the rain, trying desperately to hold onto her upbeat façade. She didn’t need total strangers to see her heartbreak. Finally she reached the closed door and knocked awkwardly with her foot. A young boy answered the door, his expression sullen, “What?”

She held out the packages, “Your sister dropped these.”

He grabbed them and dumped them unceremoniously inside the door. Staring at her, he asked rudely, “Why’re you all wet? Too stupid to get out of the rain?”

Biting back the urge to snap at him, she said, “My companion carried your sister home, is he still here?”

He snorted. “You mean the idiot my sister’s determined to marry? Yeah, he’s still here.”

Hearing the umbrella creak where she was gripping it too tightly, she abruptly thrust it into his hands. “Tell him that I’m going on ahead.”

She turned and walked away, the rain allowing her to hide the fact that a couple of tears had escaped and rolled down her face. She walked sedately for several minutes before finally reaching the dojo. Kenshin had not rejoined her. Soaked to the bone, she stumbled wearily into the dojo, jumping in shock when Yahiko yelled, “Oy, Busu!”

Turning to face him, she saw him suddenly frown, concern evident on his face. “Kaoru, are you ok?”

Wondering what he saw in her face to make him concerned enough to use her name, she straightened and smiled wearily. “I’m fine, Yahiko-chan. Just tired is all.”

He exclaimed, but it lacked its usual heat, his concern still plainly evident. “Why don’t you eat? Kenshin cooked already.”

She shook her head and looked down briefly. “Nah, not hungry. I’m just going to bathe and go to bed, k?”

He nodded slowly, his expression uncertain. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

She ruffled his hair, “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Also, you have tomorrow off. I won’t be doing any training.” 

Turning away before he could ask her why, she left the room, feeling Yahiko’s worried gaze bore into her back.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin lifted the injured young woman easily and took off towards where she said she lived, certain that Kaoru would be right behind him. All he wanted to do was get this girl home so he could resume his walk with Kaoru. Something was bothering her and he had planned to talk to her on the way home. It was why he’d brought her the umbrella, so they’d have a chance to talk without someone interrupting them. He’d been just about to speak when they’d seen the young woman trip and fall. He’d been frustrated about being interrupted when he’d just scraped up the courage to speak, but he couldn’t in good conscious just leave the girl lying there.

Cursing the misfortune that had caused her ankle to be sprained badly enough to need to be carried, he knocked on the door and waited impatiently. It was opened swiftly by a middle aged woman, obviously her mother. An odd combination of surprise and resignation crossed quickly over her face and she motioned for him to come in. She led him to the living room and directed him to place her in a chair.

Kenshin lowered the young woman gently into the chair her mother had indicated. She clung to him before reluctantly releasing him, settling in and handing him the umbrella, smiling up at him. He closed it out of politeness, frowning slightly as he suddenly realized that he’d left Kaoru without an umbrella in his haste to get the girl home. He turned to head back to Kaoru when he was sidetracked by the mother forcefully offering him a towel. 

Feeling a light tug on his sleeve, he turned back to see the girl looking up at him in a way that made him uncomfortable, subconscious warning bells going off. If he didn’t know better, he would almost say that she was looking at him adoringly, but with a flirtatious edge to it. He was trying to politely ease his sleeve from her grip, wanting to get back to Kaoru without delay, when she suddenly turned and started gushing to her mother about how strong and kind he was, how he’d carried her so easily, etc, etc. 

Feeling increasingly edgy and uncomfortable, he was relieved when she finally released his sleeve. Right then, her mother offered him a cup of tea and he couldn’t politely refuse. Feeling his frustration grow, he reluctantly accepted the cup, his worry growing about Kaoru. She should’ve been there by now, she had been right behind him, hadn’t she? He knew that she could take care of herself, but she should’ve been here by this point and her absence was making the Battosai stir uneasily. Glancing at the door, he saw a sullen looking boy slip into the room and settle against the wall, a scowl on his face. And still the girl talked, not allowing him to get a word in edgewise.

Finally, after several minutes during which Kenshin grew more and more agitated, she paused to breath and he seized his chance. “Sessha is sorry, but sessha needs to go. Sessha was walking Kaoru-dono home and sessha needs to get back to her.” So caught up in his need to escape, he missed the brief flash of anger in the girl’s eyes.

The boy snorted and Kenshin turned to look at him expectantly.

Hunching his shoulders slightly at his intense scrutiny, the boy grudgingly spoke, “She came by with the packages and umbrella. Looked like a drowned rat. Said to tell you she was going ahead.”

Worried, Kenshin swiftly excused himself. Hurrying to the dojo, he thought about Kaoru. Something had been, off, about her lately. That’s why he had wanted to talk to her today. She had been withdrawn lately, not brooding, more like deep sadness. Even her ki was reflecting this, her usual fire dull and contained. Something was weighing heavily on her mind. He’d even found her staring absently at the calendar several times in the past few weeks. He’d tried asking several times subtly what the matter was, but she’d brushed him off, retreating behind a mask of cheerfulness.

He let himself into the dojo and made his way to the kitchen. He was surprised to see Yahiko standing there, a concerned, thoughtful look on his face. 

Seeing no sign of Kaoru, he asked, “Hello, Yahiko-kun. Have you seen Kaoru-dono?”

Yahiko turned absently towards him, “Hey Kenshin. She came through a few minutes ago, soaking wet. What happened? I thought that you went to fetch her?”

“I did, but someone needed sessha’s help, so she went ahead, that she did.” He felt a flare of irritation at that girl for delaying him so long, but carefully kept his rurouni persona in place. “Why don’t you fetch Kaoru-dono while sessha starts warming the miso soup?”

Yahiko gave a quick shake of his head. “She’s not hungry. She just took a quick bath and went to bed. Is something wrong with her?” He was trying so hard to be casual, but Kenshin saw the deep rooted fear of losing her shining in his eyes.

Kenshin laid a hand reassuringly on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Yahiko. Kaoru-dono is tired is all, that she is. Nothing more. If something is bothering her, we’ll take care of it, right?”

Some of the worry seemed to ease from Yahiko’s shoulders. “Of course, Busu’s ours to take care of. Probably some stupid girly thing anyway. Is dinner ready?”

Glad that he’d eased Yahiko’s worries, Kenshin set about serving them. Still, he was secretly very worried. Something was going on with Kaoru and he was going to get to the bottom of it if it was the last thing he ever did.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaoru slowly rolled off her futon, weariness in every inch of her body. Anger, jealousy, and sadness had combined to give her a restless night. Sleep had eluded her as she tossed and turned, unable to quiet her thoughts. Sighing, she dressed in her practice clothes and peeked out the window. Although the sun hadn’t risen yet, she could tell that it would be a dreary day, clouds hanging low, heavy with the promise of more rain.

Figuring that the other occupants of the dojo would be sleeping, she headed to the kitchen to leave a note, only to be startled by the sight of Kenshin already at the stove, humming quietly. She paused in the doorway, taking a moment to quietly observe him, allowing herself the simple pleasure of just watching him, drinking in his every move. She knew that he was the deadly Battousai, something that he’d proved repeatedly, but somehow, he’d always seemed more alive and whole when he was doing little tasks, their clean simplicity more fulfilling than anything else.

Right then, he turned and saw her standing in the doorway. He stared at her for a moment before offering her a hesitant smile. “Good morning, Kaoru-dono.”

She smiled back slightly, unable to resist. “Morning, Kenshin. What are you doing up so early?”

He fidgeted, “Well, Yahiko said that you didn’t eat last night, so I thought I’d get up a little early and make breakfast in case you woke up early and were hungry, that I did. It won’t take long to whip something up if you want to sit and chat with me?”

She saw a cautiously hopeful look in his eyes and hated the fact that she was going to have to refuse. Especially after he’d dropped the sessha. It was an ongoing argument between them, but she’d finally worn him down enough to the point where he’d agreed to drop the sessha when it was just the residents of the dojo present, and there had been only a few slips. “I’m sorry, Kenshin. I always fast today. It’s a tradition. I’ll be in the dojo room all day meditating. I was headed there now.”

She saw that she’d surprised him. Unwilling to answer any questions right now, she offered him another slight smile and slipped out of the room.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin hadn’t slept, worried about Kaoru. He’d risen before dawn, heading to the kitchen in the hopes that occupying his hands would help his mind to settle. Besides, Kaoru hadn’t eaten the night before, so she’d probably wake up starving. It soothed and pleased the needy part of him that wanted so desperately to belong when he watched her and Yahiko eat his cooking. He gathered the ingredients for Kaoru’s favorite breakfast, humming absently as he worked.

Feeling a slight movement behind him, he turned to see Kaoru standing framed in the doorway. He paused for a second, the sight of her causing his heart to leap, before offering a quiet good morning. Her smile warmed him, even though the slight dark circles under her eyes caused him to frown internally. When she’d asked why he was up, he scrambled for an answer, unwilling to admit that he hadn’t slept. Suddenly it clicked in his mind that no one else was around, the perfect opportunity to figure out what was worrying her. Remembering that she disliked it when he called himself sessha, he explained about breakfast and asked her to chat with him.

He held his breath, uncertain how she’d react after disappearing on him the night before. He felt his heart drop at the reluctant refusal in her eyes. However, he was confused when she spoke about fasting and tradition. As far as he knew, there was nothing special about today. But before he could gather his wits enough to question her, she’d smiled again and slipped silently out of the room. He started to go after her, but stopped himself. Forcing Kaoru didn’t work well, best case scenario she just walked away, worst case, you ended up with multiple lumps and your head spinning. Still, returning to his cooking, he prayed that he was making the right choice.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kaoru entered the dojo, sliding the shoji firmly shut behind her. Taking a deep breath, she stood and listened to the gentle drum of rain on the roof, allowing the sound to center herself. Feeling a little more settled, more herself, she moved across the room and sat cross legged in the center of the room. Making herself comfortable, she started regulating her breathing and closed her eyes.

Today was her twentieth birthday. It was Kamiya tradition to fast on this day, thinking over the past year, counting their blessings, reliving their trials, and gathering strength and comfort from the fact that they’d made it through another year. It had been a tradition for as long as she could remember. One of her earliest memories had been of doing it on her third birthday, her father sitting at her side. He’d been gentle on her, only insisting on an hour for each year instead of a whole day, but by her seventh birthday, she was fasting for the whole day. 

She’d always found that this tradition had helped center her, make sense of her life. However, she had missed two years and she’d found that she’d really missed it. The first year that she’d missed had been during the trip to find Kenshin when he’d left to fight Shishio. On the ship, there simply wasn’t the privacy necessary to meditate. The second year, she’d been in Enishi’s keeping. She supposed that she could’ve meditated, but she hadn’t trusted Enishi and had wanted to be ready at a moment’s notice when Kenshin came for her.

Pushing those thoughts aside, she started. The first thing that she thought of was her father’s death. He was her only family and his loss had cut deep. He’d been the one person in the world that had always loved her unconditionally. When word came that he’d died and she chose to live alone rather than marry or sell the dojo, the neighbors had started looking at her differently, with pity and contempt. She’d brushed aside the whispers and glances, what had hurt was returning to the silence of the dojo, knowing that her father’s warm presence would never fill the house again. On the other side, she was so grateful for the years that she’d had him. Those years had formed her character and honor and she was so glad that she’d had such a great man to follow. Long overdue, she recited the traditional prayers for him, for happiness and that he would rest in peace. She felt peace enter her as she realized that although she’d lost him, he was with her mother again, a woman that he’d pined for since the day she’d passed away, the mother that he’d taught her to love and cherish with his stories of her.

She recalled the year of silence, of seeing the students slip away, of trying to keep the dojo and her father’s legacy alive. She remembered the nights she’d woken from a dead sleep, stifling a scream, only to remember that there was no one to wake. Seeing her savings dwindle to nothing and her meals become less and less. Hunger, once an unknown sensation, appeared more and more. The whispers of her neighbors hurt, but it was someone using the name of Kamiya for violence that made her see red. But it was the silence, the aloneness that had shaken her.

Then Kenshin had appeared, literally saving her life. She’d been so desperate at that point. She didn’t care what he’d done, what he was atoning for, she craved human contact. Her father had always said that she was a good judge of character and his presence soothed her, eased the ache of missing her father. Miracle of miracles, he had agreed to stay, seeming to be willing to put up with her brashness, her lack of feminine skills, and her temper. She’d never been good at making friends, too apt to act first and then think later. He was always worried that his past put her in danger, but the truth was, he’d opened up her world, made it such a brighter place. First Yahiko, an annoying, stubborn younger brother. Then Sano, a brash, lazy, protective older brother. They’d brought life back into her house with their bickering and tantrums, but she’d felt the tight fist of loneliness around her heart ease. Then there was Megumi. This made the corner of her lips lift in a smirk. She’d didn’t know what to make of her at first. Megumi loved to torment her, her loveliness and attention to Kenshin driving Kaoru mad. But as time went on, she’d been drawn more and more to the wily older woman, finding her remarkably grounded and willing to give Kaoru advice, though still with a hefty dose of teasing. She’d almost consider her a big sister. For an only child, this new family of hers could be so overwhelming, but she basked in love that was this unusual family of hers.

Then Kenshin had left, turning her world upside down. She still winced at how badly she’d fallen apart. It had scared her, the depth of hurt that she’d felt when he’d left. It was equal to when she’d learned that her father had died. It was then that she realized exactly how deeply she’d fallen in love with him. Thankfully, her family had pulled her out of her depression and set her back on the right path. She’d never been that far, but for him, she’d traveled to Kyoto. She’d met Misao, the sister of her heart, another girl raised as a warrior against conventional beliefs. They’d fought against Shishio and won, but Kaoru hadn’t been able to draw a deep breath until they were all back at the dojo. It’d been a hard fight, but they’d all come through, stronger than before. Kenshin’d withdrawn, still worried about his past, but after a few months he’d eased up slightly and started smiling naturally again.

It’d been a year and while there’d been battles, they’d healed and Kenshin was coming out of his shell. There had even been a few times when he’d accidentally dropped the sessha from his speech. Kaoru was extremely hopeful that maybe he was finally starting to forgive himself. Then Enishi had appeared. Her heart sunk as she remembered the reappearance of Kenshin’s self-hatred. But the greatest shock of all had been the revelation of Tomoe. She supposed that she’d been naïve, never considering the fact that Kenshin could have loved someone else. And the way that she’d died. It all suddenly clicked into place about why Kenshin acted the way he did. She’d felt her heart break for him as her hope for their future turned into ashes. But she’d learned from before. This time she didn’t go to pieces, but held herself together for him. She loved him enough to be what he needed, not place her desires on him. When she’d been abducted, she’d been torn between hope and despair. She knew that he’d come for her, but did he only see a dead woman when he looked at her, like Enishi? She’d never revealed to anyone how hard that time on the island had been for her. The isolation had started her old ghosts whispering again. Also, she was used to being busy and there was nothing for her to do. She’d tried to keep herself busy, but thoughts about the mysterious Tomoe and Kenshin together kept creeping back in.

In the end, Kenshin had come for her and she’d felt a cautious ember of hope flicker to life in her heart. She was shocked to learn that they’d thought that she was dead. After chewing out Kenshin and Sano thoroughly for leaving Yahiko alone, she’d soothed and reassured them. She couldn’t even imagine the shock that they’d gone through. The thought of believing one of her friends dead shook her to the core and the thought of Kenshin dead… It was the stuff of nightmares for weeks for her. Sano had departed not long after they’d returned, but she suspected that it was mainly because he didn’t want to bring trouble to the dojo as much as wanting to see the world, he was protective like that. As it was, Kenshin and Yahiko had had trouble letting her out of sight for months afterwards. Somehow, although it was a complete mystery to her how, she’d become their rock, their safe place.

It had taken time to heal from that incident. Kaoru learned to be patient with Yahiko and Kenshin insisting on someone always being with her, their fear of losing her clearly displayed in their eyes. They’d accepted her sudden aversion to certain foods without comment. Gradually, they spoke of their separate experiences, drawing strength from the others silent support. Something had broken in Kenshin, he’d withdrawn into himself, wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating. He’d thought that he’d done a good job of hiding his nightmares, but Kaoru and Yahiko had known. This had gone on for weeks after they’d returned home and he was growing gaunt, his eyes haunted. Growing frustrated and worried, she’d finally decided to approach the matter with her usual straightforwardness. Finding him sitting on the porch after one of his nightmares, huddling as small as he could make himself, Kaoru had finally had enough. Grabbing her shinai, she tapped him firmly on the head. He’d whirled on her, his eyes a hot feral amber, only to be drawn up short by the fact that it was her standing there. She’d forced a grin, even though her heart was hurting. She’d sat and when he’d mumbled and tried to leave, she’d grabbed his hand and pulled him down beside her. She knew that only his reluctance to her hurt kept him from running away, so she took full advantage of that. Keeping her hand entwined with his, she leaned against his shoulder and told him quietly but firmly that they were family and family stood by each other. He didn’t have to speak about it, but that she’d never judge him for any of his past. No matter what had happened or would happen, she was honored to know the man that he was now. And that she wasn’t going to break, go away, or die. But she wasn’t going to let him hurt himself anymore. This had shocked him speechless and then he’d finally broken down. They didn’t speak, she simply held him as he cried. She wasn’t foolish enough to think that everything would be better, but it was a start.

By unspoken agreement, they never talked about that night, but gradually things had started getting better. Kenshin had started eating again and his nightmares had diminished with time. He’d even opened up slightly about his past, mainly about places he’d been or Hiko, but a few times he’d talked about Tomoe and his life with her. Kaoru was honored when he took her to see Tomoe’s grave, knowing that he trusted her, even if he still did not trust himself.

That had been months ago. She’d been worried at the start that he’d leave again, slip away in the dead of night to keep them safe. When she’d finally worked up the courage to approach him about it, he smiled and gently squeezed her hand, promising that he wouldn’t be wandering for a while yet, that he’d tell her when he was thinking about it. He hadn’t promised forever, but her fear of him suddenly leaving was gone. It had taken time, but they’d gradually slipped into their old routines, a level of normalcy returning to their lives.

She sighed. That was the problem, nothing had changed. She was still in love with Kenshin, but she was beginning to doubt that he’d ever return her feelings, especially after learning about Tomoe. However, lately she’d been feeling restless, like her time was running out. It was unfair, but in their culture, when a woman turned twenty and was still unmarried, she was considered an old maid. She was either too poor or there was something wrong with her. She knew that the dojo had made her an appealing candidate, but her fiercely independent nature scared men off. She loved Kenshin with all her heart, but she wanted more. She wanted children running around, learning her family’s sword style. She wanted a husband that would love her and protect her. She wanted to leave a legacy. But she didn’t want to lose Kenshin either. She loved him so much, but he didn’t appear to have any feelings for her beyond friendship. Clenching her fists, she struggled to make the right decision.

Feeling tears slip down her cheeks, she finally made her decision. She had to love him enough to let him go. It had been a year and he’d made no move to pursue her romantically. She’d remove the weight of expectation that she’d placed on their friendship and value what he was able to give her, his friendship. And she’d move on with her life. She knew that she’d always love Kenshin, but maybe there was someone out there that she could respect enough to marry. With time, maybe it would even turn to love. But she couldn’t keep holding all of them in limbo. It was time to move on with her life and help Kenshin and Yahiko move on with theirs.

Feeling exhausted but with a measure of peace, she finally opened her eyes, only to discover that night had fallen. Getting to her feet feeling burdened yet relieved, she made her way to her room. Gently closing the door, she fell onto her futon and was immediately asleep.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin had asked Yahiko if Kaoru had said anything to him of why she was fasting, but the boy knew nothing. Since Kaoru had given him the day off, he immediately heading into town to assist Tsubame. Kenshin had watched him go, a feeling a pride at the man Yahiko was becoming.

Sighing, he reluctantly turned to his daily chores. These were quickly accomplished and the rain kept him from occupying himself outdoors. Knowing that Kaoru would be occupied all day, he headed to his room and pulled out the comb that he was carving for her hair. The intricate jasmine flowers that he was carving would help occupy his hands and hopefully his thoughts.

Still, he couldn’t resist peeking at Kaoru’s ki throughout the day. Her emotions were all over the place and he wondered what she was doing. However, as the day wore on, he felt a growing sadness and confusion. He wanted so badly to go and comfort her that it was a physical effort to restrain himself. Dusk was falling when he finally felt her ki calm and settle, an underlying strength surfacing. He was relieved, hoping that she’d finally found the answer to whatever had been bothering her. He carefully tucked the comb back away and went to start dinner, unaware of how much his world had just changed.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaoru woke up feeling rested for the first time in quite a while. Her thoughts were clearer and she found that she was centered, at peace with herself in a way that she hadn’t been for weeks. She smiled and stretched slowly, she always forgot how good she felt after her birthday meditation. Her stomach grumbled and she suddenly realized that she was starving. She hopped to her feet and dressed swiftly, praying that Kenshin had made breakfast. She felt her good mood falter at the thought of him, but quickly shoved it aside. She’d made her choice and she’d abide by it. She would be Kenshin’s friend, nothing more.

This thought made her pause abruptly. It was a good plan but just how was she supposed to go about it? She didn’t have the first clue on how to treat him as just a friend. Everyone would notice if she suddenly changed her behavior and treating him like Yahiko or Sano just wasn’t feasible. After a moment’s thought, she shrugged. She would take it one day at a time and leave it at that.

Absently humming one of her father’s favorite songs, she made her way to the kitchen, her stomach’s grumbling increased tenfold as she caught a delicious scent wafting from the kitchen. She paused, mortified, when a giggle suddenly escaped. Her embarrassment lost in surprise, she tried to compose herself, but another giggle bubbled out before she could stop it. The more she tried to repress them, the more they spilled out, accompanied by the steady rumbling of her stomach. She felt her legs start to weaken from the force of her laughter, so she hastily leaned against the wall. She knew that the laughter was the result of feeling so many emotions over the past few days, but it felt healing, cleansing, so she decided to just let it spill out unhindered. 

It was the sight of Kenshin and Yahiko peering curiously at her from the kitchen that finally helped her get her laughter under control. Knowing that they probably thought she’d lost her mind by laughing so hard after brooding for days, she pushed away from the wall and gave them her brightest smile. “Is breakfast ready? I’m starving!”

She saw Kenshin relax slightly, but concern lingered in Yahiko’s eyes. She had to work hard to keep her grin from turning evil, thinking that Yahiko was smart to be concerned. He’d had two days off and it was time for them to get back to training. She was going to enjoy this. Kenshin’s voice caught her attention, breaking into her plans for Yahiko, “If you’d like to sit at the table, Kaoru-dono, breakfast is just about ready. I had a feeling that you’d be hungry today, that I did.”

Deciding that it was time to start her plan, she knew instantly what she had to do. Normally, she would duck her head and do as he asked, trying to hide a slight blush. No more avoidance. Meeting his gaze squarely, she smiled and asked, “You sure there’s nothing I can do to help?”

Yahiko groaned and shouted, “Busu! We don’t want your clumsy self in the kitchens, I’d like to live until lunchtime.”

Pulling out her shinai, she thunked him firmly on the head. “We’ll settle this in practice, Yahiko-chan.” Turning back to Kenshin, she rolled her eyes, “I wasn’t going to touch the cooking. But do you need me to set the table or anything?”

He stared at her uncertainly for a moment, both of them ignoring Yahiko’s murmuring. “No, no, Kaoru-dono, just sit. Yahiko already prepared the table, that he did.”

She shrugged and turned away, satisfied that they had it under control. She knew that Kenshin had noticed something different about her, but decided not to worry about it. However, when she turned away, she had missed the brief flash of amber in his eyes.

With minimal fuss, they were all seated around the table, enthusiastically eating breakfast with Kaoru and Yahiko trading good natured barbs back and forth while Kenshin watched. Seeing that she was about to thwack Yahiko again, Kenshin hastily inquired what they’d like for lunch.

Kaoru laughed, shaking her head at her absentmindedness. “Oh, lunch today is my treat, at the Akabeko. It’s tradition. So don’t worry about cooking.”

Kenshin was about to speak when Yahiko jumped in, “What tradition? There’s nothing on the calendar, did one of the students at that other dojo hit you on the head or something?”

Her eyes flashed dangerously, but she kept the shinai in her lap, “500 strokes. And for your information, it’s a Kamiya family tradition. On your birthday, you meditate for the entire day. On the day after your birthday, you go with your family to your favorite restaurant for lunch to celebrate. Thus, my treat to you guys, my family, at Akabeko.”

Both of the men looked shocked, their mouths open in surprise. Yahiko was the first to recover, “Yesterday was your birthday? Why didn’t you say anything, Busu?”

Seeing the hurt in his eyes, she chose her words carefully, “I wasn’t trying to hide it. But it’s hard for me to talk about. My mother died when I was very small and my father raised me by himself. Most of my memories involve him and I really miss him around this time. However, I wanted to share these traditions with you two, my new family. I know that he would’ve loved both of you.” She reached out and ruffled Yahiko’s hair affectionately.

The tension eased and he batted her hand away playfully. “Oy, as long as it’s not your cooking. So, how old are you anyway?”

She sighed, but answered anyway, “Twenty.”

Yahiko crowed with laughter, “So, you are a hag, I was right!”

Eyeing the remnants of breakfast, she decided that she’d had enough and rose to her feet. Facing Yahiko squarely, she raised her shinai and said calmly, “Five.”

“Huh?”

“Four.”

Eyes widening with realization, he scrambled to his feet and took off with her hot on his heels.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin rose early after another night of fitful sleep. Her ki had seemed calm last night, but Kaoru had never appeared for dinner. Expanding his senses, he quickly found her ki and was relieved to see that it was still calm, she was obviously asleep. Getting to his feet, he stretched as he made his way to the kitchen to make breakfast, determined that she would eat today, even if he had to feed her himself. He felt his face heat slightly at the thought, but quickly shook it away, the lack of sleep obviously affecting him more than he thought.

He started by drawing a bucket of water from the well. The crisp air of the morning invigorated him, so he took a moment to just enjoy it in. He had always enjoyed mornings, the clean, fresh feel of them. Everything always seemed more hopeful at the start of a new day. Straightening from where he had been leaning on the well, he firmed his resolve. He would talk to Kaoru today and get to the bottom of whatever was bothering her.

He returned to the kitchen and was soon drawn into the familiar rhythm. He didn’t even pause when Yahiko stumbled bleary eyed into the kitchen, just directed him to the task of readying the table. He was putting on the final touches when something caught his attention. Pausing, he waited to see if it was repeated. It sounded again and this time, he recognized it as a giggle. Meeting Yahiko’s puzzled gaze, he shrugged and made his way towards the noise. Peeking into the hallway, he saw Kaoru leaning against the wall, shaking with laughter. Concerned, he quickly scanned her ki and was both relieved and amazed at the brightness of it. Her ki was shining like nothing had ever dimmed it in the first place. Right then, she saw them and straightened, getting her laughter under control. She smiled brightly at them and his heart jumped. It was beating so fast that he almost missed what she said.

Relieved that she had her appetite back, he directed her to sit down, hoping for a minute to pull himself together. That’s when he first noticed that something was, off, about her. Not a morning person, she was usually content to wait for him to serve breakfast so she could eat and wake up. Instead, she had smiled at him and asked if she could help. But there was something different with her smile and gaze, something was, missing. Yahiko had rudely interrupted, giving Kenshin the time he needed to hide his puzzlement. She swiftly handled Yahiko, where did she even hide her shinai half the time, and turned back to him, rolling her eyes. To his mortification, he’d almost stuttered, but his words had thankfully come out steadily enough. When she turned to go to the table, he felt the Battousai stir restlessly, uneasy over her behavior.

Thankfully, breakfast was quickly served and they all settled in to eat. Yahiko and Kaoru were squabbling like they used to before Kaoru’s recent withdrawal, bringing a sense of normalcy back to the dojo. However, he noticed that Yahiko was pushing Kaoru’s patience farther than usual, having become complacent by dealing with Kaoru’s subdued temperament over the past few weeks. Wanting to save the boy a few lumps, he hastily asked Kaoru what she’d like for lunch. He was relieved that she was easing back into her good natured self and wanted to please her so she would stay that way. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed her bright laughter until he had heard her laughter this morning in the hall.

He wanted to protest eating out, knowing that she worried about money, especially since Yahiko seemed to be outgrowing his clothing every few weeks anymore. However, when she cited tradition again, his curiosity resurfaced stronger than last time she’d mentioned it. Before he could get the words out, Yahiko had chimed in disrespectfully. Her eyes had flashed dangerously and he winced in sympathy for the blow, but she’d held her temper, surprising him and causing his uneasiness to grow slightly.

The last thing he’d expected was that it had been her birthday the day before. His heart fell at the realization that he hadn’t even known when her birthday was and that she hadn’t even bothered to inform them. While his thoughts churned tumultuously, he heard Yahiko ask her why she hadn’t told them, the hurt obvious in his voice although he was striving to hide it. Her explanation had eased the hurt slightly, even though he disliked even the thought of Kaoru hurting. However, he had a feeling that that was not the only reason that she hadn’t informed them.

Still, when she said that she considered them family, he felt his thoughts settle slightly, although he had to wonder if her father would have really liked him or sent him straight on his way when he first arrived at the dojo. Returning his attention to the other two at the table, he heard Yahiko ask how old she was. His attention focused on her intently, suddenly dying of curiosity. She seemed reluctant to answer, a slight tinge of pink creeping over her cheekbones and he smiled internally at how adorable she was.

When she’d finally admitted her age, Yahiko had burst out laughing, leaving Kenshin puzzled. Why was Kaoru being twenty something funny? Yahiko’s outburst finally succeeded in pushing her over the edge and she chased him from the room, shinai firmly in hand. Kenshin glanced at the table and was satisfied to see that they’d both cleaned their plates. Listening absently to the yelling/training they were doing, he started clearing the table.

He frowned as he made the trips back and forth, puzzling over Kaoru’s behavior that morning. He had obviously missed something and it was making him restless. He hated feeling useless, unsure of what was going on. However, he didn’t know who to turn to. It wasn’t like Kaoru was suddenly going to spill all of her secrets to him or explain why turning twenty was so odd. If anything, she’d seek out a friend, a woman, to talk to. Someone like Tae. Realizing where his thoughts had led him, he recognized that he did have someone he could ask for help. He knew that Tae and Kaoru talked sometimes. They were going to the Akabeko for lunch, if he planned things just right, maybe he could get Tae alone and ask for her help. Tae was such a sweet, understanding woman that he was nearly certain that she’d help him out. Maybe she’d explain why twenty was so important as well. Starting his daily routine, he mentally planned out his next course of action.


	4. Chapter 4

Tae was delighted to see them when they entered the Akabeko. She bustled over and pulled Kaoru into a brisk hug, scolding gently, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Kaoru chuckled, “I saw you just a few weeks ago. Besides, you see Yahiko just about every day, I’m sure he keeps you informed.”

Tae made a dismissive motion. “Men. You know how they are, they never notice the important things. I want to hear from you how you’ve been.”

She shrugged, “Not much to tell really. Won’t you join us for lunch? We’re celebrating and I promise that I’ll stay behind after and we can catch up.” She clasped her hands in front of her and gave Tae an innocent, hopeful look.

Glancing around and noting that her staff had everything under control, Tae decided that it was all right to take a break. She led them to a table where she could monitor the restaurant yet still have privacy. Everyone quickly settled and ordered, a festive feeling surrounding the group. Giving into her curiosity, she asked, “So what’s the celebration?”

Kaoru grinned, “It’s my birthday lunch.”

“Ah, yes. I can’t believe how quickly time flies. Which one was it?”

Feeling her grin become slightly strained, Kaoru said quietly, “Twenty.”

Tae’s eyes were sympathetic and she laid a hand gently on Kaoru’s. “Don’t worry about. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s celebrate and enjoy the meal!”

Noting that Yahiko had thankfully held his tongue, probably something to do with wanting to present a mature image to Tsubame, Kaoru could practically feel Kenshin’s bafflement. Feeling a quick flash of anger, she decided that she wouldn’t just explain it, but that he’d have to ask if he wanted to know. He probably didn’t care enough to ask anyway.

Working on shoving the sudden wash of negative feelings away, she almost missed Kenshin’s quiet query. “Tae-dono, Kaoru-dono, sessha is afraid that sessha doesn’t understand, that he doesn’t. Why is twenty not a good age? It seems like a fine one to sessha, that it does.”

Not wanting someone else to have to explain but unwilling to mask her true feeling, Kaoru answered quietly, suddenly feeling old. “When a woman turns twenty and is unmarried, she is considered an old maid. There is something obviously wrong with her, either lack of money or something else. Society tends to look on them with pity and sometimes contempt. It is unkind and even foolish, but there it is. I am already considered odd by the community, this will just add to it, is all.”

Kenshin looked like someone had slapped him, surprise evident in every feature, and his eyes flashed amber briefly. Kaoru watched in fascination before she remembered that she wasn’t doing that to herself anymore and wrenched her eyes away. Right then, the food arrived, cutting off any reply he might have made. She glanced at him, but his cheerful rurouni mask was firmly back into place. As they were arranging the food, she caught Yahiko glancing at her with growing concern, seeming to finally grasp what this really meant for Kaoru. Taking advantage of the brief disarray, she bumped him lightly with her shoulder, distracting him. She didn’t need him worrying about her any more than he already did. Enishi had shaken him to the core and she didn’t need him to backslide from the steps he’d made in overcoming his fear of losing her.

Lunch passed quickly with good natured banter and laughter. Tae had shared several stories of when Kaoru was younger, embarrassing her and making her glad that she’d grown up. Still, it was all in good fun, so she couldn’t protest too much. Finally, the meal wound down and Yahiko was the first to sleep away to start his shift. Kenshin, Tae, and Kaoru all lingered, content. Seeing Tae looking at her intently, Kaoru drew up her courage and turned to Kenshin, “Hey, why don’t you go on ahead? I know that you have things to do and I want to stay and chat with Tae privately for a bit.”

She saw him struggle mentally for a minute over whether to go. Finally he said, “Sessha is enjoying being with you, Kaoru-dono, but sessha does have shopping to do. Why don’t you and Tae-dono have your chat while sessha shops and then we can walk back together?”

Feeling her heart leap, she fiercely scolded the traitorous organ, praying that her face was calm. She appeared to think it over, then nodded slowly, “That would work. Thank you, Kenshin. I appreciate your kindness.” This seemed to startle him, but he merely stood and made his way out of the restaurant.

Sensing that Tae was about to interrogate her, she held up her hand to prevent the inevitable questions. “Can we go somewhere more private?”

Tae, always quick to catch on, nodded and stood up. “Come on, we can talk in my office.”

They made their way there and Kaoru waited until the door was shut before collapsing into one of the chairs. “Oh, Tae. What am I going to do?”

Tae seated herself gracefully, ignoring the way that Kaoru was sprawled. “Do about what? Something’s been going on with you lately, you’re not your usual cheerful self. What’s going on?”

Kaoru found herself relaxing, her heart warming at the obvious concern in her friend’s voice. While they were fairly close in age, Tae had a motherly feel that soothed an aching need in Kaoru’s soul. She was someone that would help her work through whatever problem she was working through with love and compassion, but would tell it to her straight as well. Lacking the energy to pull herself into a more decorous position, she said, “I’ve been, struggling, lately. As you know, my twentieth birthday was yesterday. It’s going to make my life harder. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a single thing about the way I was brought up. But I’m an oddity, a single female kendo instructor with no kith or kin to help her. People talk, I hear them, even if they think I can’t. Sometimes, I feel so tired that it’s all I can do to act as if nothing’s wrong. I’m so tired of being alone.”

“What about Yahiko and Kenshin?”

“They are my family. But I need something more, I need someone to support me. I love Yahiko, he’s the little brother that I never had, but I can’t put anything more on him. He’s been through enough. When Enishi took me, it scarred him deeply, thinking that I was dead. It honors me that he continued to follow my family’s principles even after he thought I was gone, but it breaks my heart that he had to go through that. After we got back, it took weeks before he didn’t come screaming awake from nightmares. It’s only been in the past few months that he’s been able to let me out of his sight for more than a few hours. No, he’s been through enough and it’s my turn to protect him.”

Tae prompted gently when it became apparent that Kaoru wasn’t going to continue, “And Kenshin?”

Kaoru kept her voice soft, but her pain was clearly obvious, “Kenshin’s been in my life for three years now. When he first showed up, I was so glad to have someone else in the dojo, someone to talk to. Despite my many faults, he never made me feel, less. He accepted me for me. I know that he worried about his past, but it never mattered to me. He was who he was now, that’s all that mattered. Then he left for Kyoto and I realized how much I’d fallen for him. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.”

“But you went after him.”

“Only because everyone set me straight. I was paralyzed, Tae, and I hated feeling so helpless. Everything worked out and we came back here. I felt, hopeful. He’d seen that I was capable of protecting myself and I made it abundantly clear that I understood his past and it didn’t matter! Gradually, we grew closer. We’d have tea in the evenings and chat and he was opening up more. He’d even sought me out a few times just to chat. He was starting to laugh more and I was happy to see that he was happy. Then came Enishi.”

Tae shuddered slightly, remembering the awful feeling of learning that Kaoru was dead. “That was a bad time.”

Kaoru nodded, her eyes shadowed. “I think that was the first time I felt my heart break. I felt like such a naïve fool for not realizing that Kenshin could’ve been in love with someone else. I’d like to believe that he would’ve eventually told me about her, but since Enishi forced his hand, I’ll never know. I’ve never told anyone this, but I was close to giving up on that island.”

Tae was shocked, “No!”

Kaoru nodded grimly, “Yes, I’d spent two years pining after a man whom I realized that I didn’t even know. Every day that passed and no one arrived, my spirits got lower. I even started to think about how everyone’s lives would be better if I wasn’t there, that maybe it was a good thing that I wasn’t around.”

Tae’s fists clenched angrily, “Kaoru! How dare you even…” Kaoru looked up and the pain in her eyes quenched Tae’s anger.

“I didn’t realize that everyone thought I was dead. And that place really messed with my mind. Knowing what I know now, I would’ve never even thought that, I promise you.” The shadows in her eyes easing, she grinned at Tae, “However, my Kamiya stubbornness swiftly kicked in and I planned out exactly what I’d yell at him for leaving me there for so long and hiding his past from me. But everyone was so broken when I got back. It took a long time to put everyone back together. We’ll never be the same as we were before.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

Kaoru closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before she spoke the words that tore her heart in two, “I’m moving on. I’m giving up on Kenshin. We’ve been together for three years now and he’s never pursued me romantically. So I’m going to accept the fact that we’ll never be more than friends and move on. I want a family, I want to leave a legacy behind me. I adore Yahiko, but I want children of my own. Even though I’m twenty, I have the dojo, so I should be able to find someone to marry me. And maybe someday, I’ll even be able to love him. But I can’t keep waiting anymore. It’s killing me, Tae.”

“So how are you going to go about just be friends?”

Kaoru tugged roughly at her ponytail, frustrated. “I don’t know. I want to be friends, but I don’t know how to do that. I thought about avoiding him, but that won’t work at all. After Enishi, he wouldn’t let me out of sight for weeks, his eyes were constantly amber. When weeks had gone by and nothing had happened, he finally started relaxing, but I still feel his ki brush against me several times a day, checking to make sure that I’m still there and that I’m ok. Avoiding him would put him on edge and he’d never leave me alone.”

Tae looked at her thoughtfully, “Doesn’t the fact that he’s Battousai worry you?”

Kaoru’s eyes flashed angrily.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin had left the restaurant reluctantly, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder for one last glimpse of her to reassure himself that she was ok. It was all he could do to keep his rurouni mask in place. It was absolutely barbaric that there was a rule created by society that said women were lacking if they weren’t married by twenty. There was nothing wrong with Kaoru! She was a perfect, amazing woman. He felt the Battousai straining to emerge and he hastily flicked his bangs forward so that his eyes were covered. No wonder she’d been so distant lately, with her birthday approaching. As much as she proclaimed otherwise, he knew that Kaoru was a social creature and the neighbors’ disapproval cut her tender heart deeply.

Despite the fact that she was twenty, he knew that Kaoru would have no problem finding a husband if she wanted one. Feeling his anger rise at the thought of his Kaoru in someone else’s arms, he picked up his pace, hoping to distract himself. It didn’t work. Instead, he was bombarded with a torrent of images. Kaoru laughing with a faceless man, kissing him, swollen with that man’s child, surrounded by a bunch of dark haired children, all of them with her beautiful sapphire eyes, while he always watched from a distance, alone. Each image was a knife to his heart and he almost staggered from the pain. He knew in his heart that someday Kaoru would marry, but he hadn’t really thought about it.

He felt his anger flare again. What man deserved Kaoru? His heart ached as he acknowledged the fact that he couldn’t have her, his hands were too bloodstained. But was there a man out there that was worthy of Kaoru? He didn’t think so and he only realized he was growling when he saw someone move hastily out of his way.

He worked on keeping his rurouni persona intact and thrust all thoughts of Kaoru with someone else out of his head. He finished his shopping quickly, but felt the Battousai still lurking below the surface wanting out. He made it back to the Akabeko quickly and was informed that Kaoru and Tae were in her office. He passed Yahiko in the hallway to the office and was surprised when the boy scowled at him.

He was startled, but pushed it aside. Making his way over to the door, he was about to knock when he heard Tae ask, “Doesn’t the fact that he’s Battousai worry you?” He held his breath, unconsciously bracing himself for a blow.

Kaoru’s voice was outraged, “Kenshin would never hurt me!” She paused and Kenshin heard her take a deep breath. “The problem is, you think of Kenshin as two different people, the Battousai and the rurouni.”

“Isn’t he?”

“No, rather it’s like two sides of the same coin, two sides to his nature. The Battousai is the protector, the heart of Kenshin. Battousai is fierce and uncompromising, he acts swiftly and will do anything to protect those he cares about. He thinks he’s unworthy of love because of all the people he’s killed. He’s accepted that as the price of what he did to bring in a new era. But think of it this way. What would have happened if he hadn’t done what he did? How many more people would have died? The old era was bloody and brutal, now we have a chance at peace. He did everything he could to protect the future and all of those who will come after us.”

He sucked in a deep breath, feeling suddenly dizzy. He’d never thought of it that way before and it shook him to the core. He almost missed Tae asking thoughtfully, “The rurouni?”

His attention was fully focused on the conversation and he could almost see Kaoru’s smile, “That’s his nurturing nature. As the Battousai, he has to be fierce and strong so that people think twice about challenging him. But that’s a lonely way to live. The rurouni is his softness, his soul. By taking care of others, it brings peace to his lonely soul, lets him see the goodness in the world, not just the darkness. His caring is his way of showing love. He has lost so much time and time and time again. But it hasn’t made him hard, rather, it’s tempered him like good steel. He hates the violence that the Battousai has used, but can never entirely despise it because it has kept people that he loves safe. It’s easier for him to think of Battousai as separate, to distance himself. But he’s just Kenshin. Battousai/rurouni, yin/yang, light/dark, heart/soul. It’s all Kenshin. It’s who he is.”

Kaoru’s words shook him, reaching a deep part of him that he’d kept locked away for a long time. He couldn’t breathe for a long moment, astounded by the amazing, strong, caring woman that Kaoru was. He almost felt things sliding into their rightful place, started feeling whole for the first time in over a decade. Feeling overwhelmed, he carefully tucked the conversation away in his mind where he could bring it out and examine it later. 

Composing himself, he waited a moment then knocked on the door. Hearing Tae’s soft, ‘Enter’, he eased open the door, a practiced smile on his face. Seeing Kaoru sprawled bonelessly in a chair, his smile became genuine. Entering, he held up the bags he carried for their inspection, “Sessha is done with shopping, that he is. Are you ready to go, Kaoru-dono?”

Grumbling, she nodded and pulled herself to her feet. Tae rose as well, coming around the desk to hug her. “Don’t be a stranger now.”

Kaoru looked thoughtful for a moment, “How about tea next week?”

Tae smiled, “Wonderful. I’ll see you then.”

Kaoru smiled and then followed after Kenshin, tugging a few of the packages from his hands. His feeble protests sparked her laughter and he drank in the joyous sound.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Misao stared out the window, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she could physically keep herself from falling to pieces. She’d retreated to her rooms so no one could see how much she was hurting. She’d been serving lunch at the Aoiya, counting down the time until she could take Aoshi-sama his tea, when she saw the sight that had pushed her over the edge. Aoshi-sama had walked into the Aoiya with a woman on his arm, laughing. She had stared at him in shock, she hadn’t heard him laugh for ages. Seeing the other members of the Oniwabanshu stare at her, she quickly pulled her bubbly mask on and bounced over to them, pouting and laughing at ‘her’ Aoshi-sama.

Hah, she scoffed, he wasn’t ‘her’ anything. He and every single one of the Oniwabanshu made it abundantly clear that they still saw her as a child with a foolish crush. She’d finished her shift before excusing herself, being extremely careful to act like she normally would. So here she stood, her heart breaking and calling herself ten kinds of a fool.

Feeling trapped, she knew that she needed to get away from the Aoiya and the well-meaning Oniwabanshu. It wasn’t their fault that they still saw her as a child, but she needed to get away. But where to go? Kaoru’s image suddenly flashed in her mind and she grabbed onto it like a life preserver. She’d go to Kaoru, the other woman would understand her situation and the time away would help her to clear her head. 

She chewed her lip absently. Aoshi and Okina would never agree to her going by herself, they would insist on someone going with her. But she needed to go by herself. She’d managed it once before, but they were more aware of her tricks now. However, with a little bit of careful planning and subtle misdirection, she would be able to manage it. She had time and a few days wasn’t going to make that much of a difference. 

So lost in her thoughts, she missed the sound of quiet footsteps in the hall. A soft knock startled her and she held her breath. Aoshi quiet voice called through the shoji, “Misao, are you there? We need to talk.”

Feeling the start of tears, she ignored him and slipped noiselessly out the window, desperate to get as far away from him and the Aoiya as she could before she broke down and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that 3 years have not passed in the manga storyline, but I made it that way for artistic license :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * - Flashback

Kaoru decided that this past week definitely qualified as one of the toughest, oddest weeks in her life and that was saying something. Everything that could go wrong had and every one was acting out of character. She was strongly tempted to tear out her hair, torn between either laughing hysterically or crying inconsolably. Taking a deep breath, she restarted the kata that she was trying to perfect before going to Tae’s for their tea date.

Letting her body fall into the familiar rhythm, her thoughts drifted, trying to make sense of the past week. First it had been Yahiko. For three days after their lunch at the Akabeko, his moods had seesawed all over the place, one minute he’d be glaring at her, the next he’d be watching her with eyes filled with confusion and hurt. When he caught her looking at him, he’d scowl and look away.

On the third day, she’d finally had enough. Making sure that Kenshin had left to the market so that it was just her and Yahiko, she confronted him directly. Her mind flicked back to that encounter

* Satisfied that they had the dojo to themselves, Kaoru determinedly tracked down her mule headed student. He’d been avoiding her for 3 days now and that was the limit of the time that she was going to give him. He’d been through some tough stuff, they all had, but there was no way that she was going to let him lock himself away. Making her way to the room where he was practicing his swings, she paused to observe him. The room was filled with sunshine, the wood gleaming from the polishing he had done the day before. She noted absently that his form was good but his swings were off, almost sullen in their execution.

He was only at 354 of his 500 swings, but she called out, “Yahiko, take a break.” He looked like he was going to ignore her, so she added firmly, “Now. We need to talk.”

He lowered his shinai but merely stood there looking at her, refusing to speak. Walking over, she noted that their eyes were almost even, he’d shot up again. She sighed, knowing that she’d have to scrape up the money for new clothes from somewhere, then pushed it aside. Searching his face, she asked quietly, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Yahiko, I know that you’ve grown up fast and that there are things that you won’t necessarily talk about with me or Kenshin.” She noticed that he stiffened slightly at Kenshin’s name, curious. “But something’s troubling you and I won’t let you struggle alone. Never again. So I’ll ask you again. What’s wrong?”

Firming up his chin, he tried to look fierce, but he just looked lost. He asked quietly, “Why aren’t we enough? Why are you giving up on us?”

She sighed, everything suddenly coming clear. She rubbed a temple absently, trying to ward off the impending headache. “You eavesdropped, didn’t you? How much did you hear?”

“Up to where you told Tae that you were giving up on Kenshin. Are you giving up on me too? Have you finally decided that we’re too much trouble and not worth keeping around?”

She exclaimed, “Yahiko!” Closing her eyes, she counted slowly to ten. Opening her eyes, she found Yahiko staring at her. “Obviously we need to talk. Yahiko, you should’ve come to me. Sit.” She went over to the wall and sat, leaning lightly against it, and waited for him to do the same. He came over quickly, desperate for answers. “Why did you eavesdrop?”

His posture was defiant, but his eyes showed his uneasiness, “You’ve been so down lately. Everyone knows that girls talk, so I figured you’d tell Tae what was wrong, then I could tell Kenshin and we’d fix it.”

Knowing that his heart was in the right place, she decided to forgive him this time. “You shouldn’t eavesdrop, you can mishear things. You’re wrong, I’m not giving up on anyone.”

“But why did you say that you’re giving up on Kenshin then?”

She sighed, “It’s complicated.” She held her hand up to stop his outburst. “You care for Tsubame, right? How would you feel knowing that she had loved someone else? Loved them and lost them?”

She watched as he actually seemed to think it over before responding. He finally answered slowly, “That would be, hard. I’d always wonder if she loved me or was still in love with the other guy.”

“And if she’d never indicated that she was interested in you as more than a friend? Even though you care for her deeply and have tried to show that you’re interested?”

He winced. “Ouch, I don’t know what I’d do. That’s rough.”

“I love Kenshin, I do. But I have to recognize the fact that he’ll never feel anything more than friendship for me.”

“But Kaoru…”

“I thought, back after Kyoto, that we might have a chance. Then Enishi came along. I know that it takes time to heal, but it’s been a year since then. He hasn’t made a single move or said a single thing that indicates that he wants more than friendship. Every day, it breaks my heart a little more, knowing that I’m in love with someone that will never love me back. I never meant to worry you with my sadness, I’m sorry.”

“I wish Enishi had never come!”

She rested a hand gently on his shoulder for a moment. “But he did and we can’t change what happened. You know that I’m twenty now. I had to make a choice. I could either keep waiting or I could move on. I chose to accept the fact that all Kenshin and I will ever be are friends and move on. It’s time for me to move on and marry, even if I don’t love him.”

“I don’t see why you have to marry at all! We’re your family.”

She chuckled, “Yes, you are and I love you.” He made the face that she anticipated, but the tension that he’d been carrying for the past few days seemed to dissipate slightly. “You should know the answer to that. You come from a long line of Tokyo samurai.”

“Don’t you forget it!”  
“I am the last of the Kamiyas. I don’t want this family to end with me.”

“But what about your sword style? Don’t you need an heir to that as well?”

She thought about it for a moment before deciding to just tell him. “Yahiko, you are my heir to the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu.” His jaw dropped and she tapped it gently shut with a chuckle. “Just because you’re a brat doesn’t mean that you don’t have real potential. The way you acted when Enishi had me confirmed that you would uphold all of the principles of my teaching. Officially, you now own half the dojo and the resultant profits. By the time you and Tsubame marry, you should have enough to live fairly comfortably on your own.”

He stammered, “I, I, I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. I consider you my brother.” She thought that his eyes looked suspiciously moist, but decided not to comment on it. “So I’m not kicking you out and I’m not leaving, ok? We’ll just have to take it one day at a time. If you have any more questions, just come to me, ok? I may not be happy about you eavesdropping, but I’ll never turn you away.” He nodded, still overwhelmed. “Come on, Yahiko-chan. You’ll have to work hard as heir, I can still wipe the floor with you any time I want to.”

This last insult drew him out of his shock and he jumped to his feet. Kaoru sparred with him, glad that their normal relationship had returned. *

Completing the kata successfully, she grinned as a drop of sweat slid down her face. Thinking back, the problem with Yahiko had been solved fairly easily, something for which she was extremely grateful. Still, that hadn’t stopped everything else from going wrong. All of the repairs from Enishi had slowly started falling apart, the bath had sprung a leak, and their grocer had moved away, leaving a crook that charged 3 times the amount. Hopefully he wouldn’t last for long and someone more reasonable would replace him.

That wasn’t what was currently driving her crazy though. That honor belonged to a certain diminutive redhead that was completely oblivious. It seemed the more that she pulled back and tried to be just friends, the clingier he became. It hadn’t escaped her notice that all the meals he’d cooked this week were her personal favorites. She’d noticed his ki brushing her more often, which was ok, but he often sought her out personally to chat about something trivial, which was not. And then yesterday, he’d disappeared for most of the day, only to return with several shoots of jasmine to plant in the corner of the garden. When she’d asked him why jasmine, he said that they reminded him of her, his gaze warm and open. Curse him! Why was he being so sweet when she’d finally decided to move on? A week ago, she would have been over the moon. Now, she just felt her heart wrench painfully at each small gesture. She wanted to bash him over the head with her shinai, but held off. Even in her head, it sounded ridiculous explaining that she hit him because he was being too nice.

Finishing her practice, she made her way to her room and swiftly changed into a clean workout outfit. Fixing her ponytail, she gave a sigh of relief. At least she’d have a brief break from Kenshin, give her time to regain her composure. He’d wanted to accompany her, but she had persuaded him that she needed to go alone, as she had female things that she wanted to talk with Tae about. He stuttered slightly but was still determined to go with her when she turned a sad face on him. Didn’t he trust her to even walk into town by herself? She chuckled over the memory of the panic on his face. He’d backed off and she’d promised to be careful and take her shinai with her.

Leaving the house, she bid Kenshin farewell and had crossed the yard when the gate opened and Megumi entered. The other woman sparked conflicting emotions in her. They’d grown closer through letters, although she’d forgotten to open the last one, which was probably why she was here. She was glad to see her, she had missed feminine company, but seeing her also wrenched her heart. She’d obviously traveled from Aizu, but she still looked amazing, not a hair out of place and as fresh as if she’d just gone for a stroll.

She gave a small smile to Kaoru, but brushed past her and pulled Kenshin into a hug. Kaoru could almost see small fox ears pop up and hear her sly laughter. Turning a laughing gaze at Kaoru, she scolded, “Ken-san is nothing more than skin and bones. Maybe I should take him for myself.”

And just like that, Kaoru felt her heart break again. Keeping her face pleasant, she forced the bitter words out, “If that’s what Kenshin wants, then go for it. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be late.” Turning hastily, she slipped out the gate. So focused on escaping, she missed the shock on Megumi’s face. The shock only lasted a moment, then she turned narrowed eyes on Kenshin.

Kaoru missed all of this however, as she all but sprinted down the streets, desperate to see Tae. Reaching the Akabeko, she crept in the back through the kitchen, not wanting to draw attention to her wild emotions. She’d forgotten that Yahiko was working there today until he called, “Kaoru, what’s wrong?”

She quickly pulled herself together and pulled him off to the side. She said quietly, “It’s just my stupid heart. Megumi showed up right before I left. I just need to talk to Tae.”

He laid a hand gently on her shoulder and she could see his growing maturity in his gaze. “She’s in her office. Go ahead, I’ll bring the tea in a moment.”

“Thanks.” Feeling proud of her boy, she slipped down the hall and knocked on Tae’s door. Tae told her to enter and she entered, closing the door gently behind her. Seeing her face, Tae swiftly rose and hugged her. “What’s wrong?”

The past week spilled out of her, all of her confusion, anger, and hurt flowing in torrent of words. Tae simply listened, rubbing gentle circles on her back. Finally she ran out of words and sagged wearily into her chair. Rubbing her eyes that ached from holding back tears, she asked tiredly, “What am I going to do, Tae?”

“I honestly don’t know, Kaoru. I can’t tell you what to do or not to do. I wish I could, but only you can figure out what is right for you.”

Kaoru sighed, “I’m just so tired of talking and thinking about it. I need to do something, but I don’t know what.”

Tae smiled, “Well, let’s talk of something else for a bit then. I received a letter for you from Misao today.”

She perked up at hearing this. “Really? I wonder how she’s doing. Her situation with Aoshi is not all that different from mine with Kenshin. Let me see.” She opened the letter and scanned it swiftly. Its contents surprised her and excited her all at once. She bit her lower lip, chewing on it nervously. Right then, Yahiko entered the room with the tea. 

He set it carefully on the desk, then turned to leave. Kaoru said softly, “Wait, Yahiko. I need to ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

“Misao wrote me, she wants to meet up with me for a few days. I need to get away from Kenshin, I can’t keep up with everything. What do you think?”

Yahiko said seriously, “You need to get away from here for a while, get your head on straight. I can take care of the dojo while you’re gone. Go, take as long as you need.”

“You’re sure?”

“Kaoru, let us take care of you for a change. Go.”

“Thank you! I’ll be back soon, I promise.” Standing, she gave Yahiko a brief hug before slipping out the door.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kenshin stared after Kaoru, his mind reeling in shock. Surely he had misheard what Kaoru had said to Megumi. Before he could gather his wits, Megumi whirled to face him, her eyes narrowed dangerously. She hissed, “You baka! What have you done to her?”  
Gulping hard, Kenshin exclaimed, “Oro! Sessha doesn’t know what Megumi-dono means, that I don’t.”

Megumi poked him roughly in the chest, “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Kaoru would never back away from a challenge like that. It was like she was broken inside. What. Did. You. Do. To. Her?”

Feeling Battousai rise at the thought of Kaoru’s distress, he simply shrugged and turned away. Ignoring Megumi, he headed to his room to think, his mind swirling chaotically. Something was definitely wrong with Kaoru and he was getting desperate. He’d been so hopeful when he’d felt her ki settle on her birthday, thinking that maybe things would return to normal. He’d gotten his wish, but in a skewed way. Kaoru was back to being cheerful, but something was different. The warmth in her eyes when she looked at him was gone, making him realize that he’d lost something precious. She’d seemed fine, normal even, but that special closeness was missing. 

Feeling increasingly desperate, he’d tried hard all week to bring that light back to her eyes. He’d cooked all of her favorite meals, tried to draw her out with conversation to show how special she was to him. He’d even spent the better part of a day hiking through the forest to find some wild jasmine, hoping that it would bring a smile to her face. Instead, her ki was filled briefly with jagged bursts of despair before returning to its normal state. He was ready to pull his hair out! He’d run out of ideas.

He just knew that he couldn’t lose her now, not when he’d just finally realized what she meant to him. Her words to Tae had echoed in his ears all week, causing him to think deeply about his past. Because of her words, he’d been able to make peace with his past. He’d never be easy about it, but never again would he be so quick to label himself monster. But, it was the evening before when the last piece finally fell into place. There was a reason that he couldn’t stand the thought of Kaoru with someone else was because she was his! His Battousai have growled at him, as if to say, finally! He hung his head slightly, he really was a baka.

His blood ran cold as he realized that he might have already lost her. She was young and beautiful, why would she wait around for him? He felt a fierce possessiveness grip him. It couldn’t be too late, he wouldn’t let it be too late. Her words to Tae confirmed to him that she didn’t see him as a monster, didn’t care about the blood on his hands. If she let him, he’d spend the rest of his life atoning for his sins by loving her and protecting her.

Easing his fingers from their white knuckled grip on his sword, he thought about his next course of action. It was time to take action, he’d waited for long enough. When she came home from her tea with Tae, he’d insist on talking with her. Then he’d lay out his plans of courting and marrying her. If she insisted that he was too late, he would woo her around to his point of view and then marry her. Either way, he was going to marry her. She was his, the only one for him for forever. He didn’t regret Tomoe, but it was time to let her rest in peace. Tomoe was the wife of his youth, Kaoru would be his wife for life.

Knocking at the dojo gate interrupted his thoughts. Sighing at the interruption, he made his way out and opened it. He was surprised to see Aoshi standing on the other side. He motioned for him to enter then relatched the gate before turning his questioning gaze on the other man. To most eyes, Aoshi would appear his normal indifferent self, but Kenshin could see the underlying tension.

Aoshi bit out, “Is Misao here?”

Kenshin wasn’t surprised that Misao had run away again, but he was surprised that she had left her beloved Aoshi-sama’s side. “Misao-dono is not here, that she isn’t. Are you sure that she came here?”

“She left a note that she was going away for a while, but that she’d send word to us via Kaoru. I don’t know where else she’d go.” The words seemed to be wrenched from the stoic man.

“Well, Kaoru-dono is at the Akabeko, that she is. Why don’t we walk over there? She might be there already.”

Aoshi motioned for him to lead the way. He eagerly led the way, desperate to see Kaoru again. In his heart, he knew that she could take care of herself, but he constantly worried when she was out of his range. Reaching the Akabeko, he frowned, not feeling Kaoru’s familiar ki. Had they somehow passed without realizing it? He decided to check with Tae anyway.

Entering Tae’s office, there was no sign of Kaoru. Tae didn’t offer him anything beyond a basic greeting, her emotions carefully masked. Feeling a sense of dread creep in, he said lightly, “Hello, Tae-dono. Has Misao-dono come here? Aoshi-san is looking for her. Did Kaoru take her back to the dojo?”

Tae looked at them, seeming to study them for some reason. She finally said firmly, “Misao has not come here and Kaoru has not gone to the dojo. She’s gone. Both of them need time away from you, both of you. Leave them in peace. You’ve done enough damage.”

And just that simply, Kenshin felt his heart shatter. Kaoru had run from him.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Yahiko was serving in the restaurant when Kenshin had appeared, so he couldn’t swear at him like he longed to. He’d thought that he and Kenshin had an agreement, Kaoru was theirs to protect. Instead, he kept breaking her heart. It killed him inside to see Kaoru so broken. She’d always been so strong, so cheerful, that he’d never realized how vulnerable she was. Even her kidnapping by Enishi, she’d bounced back so quickly from, Yahiko would’ve never guessed how deeply it had affected her. Overhearing her words to Tae had stunned him, how on earth could she possibly think that they were better off without her? She was their rock, their piece of solid ground where life made sense. He’d vowed to make sure that she never questioned it again.

He couldn’t understand how she could possibly think about moving on and giving up on Kenshin until she’d put it in the terms of him and Tsubame. Even thinking about it made his heart hurt, he couldn’t imagine it. He’d always respected Kenshin, but this had made him so angry. He’d kill himself before he ever made Tsubame feel like Kenshin had made Kaoru feel. Seeing her so broken, he knew that she’d had to leave or she would shatter irreparably. He’d miss her, but he told her to go. She needed this and he wouldn’t hold her here. He knew, deep in his heart, that she’d come back, that she’d always come back, to him.

Finishing up in the restaurant, he quickly made up a tea tray and took it to Tae’s office. He was curious what had brought Aoshi here without that annoying Misao bouncing alongside him. He knocked and entered, only to find a determined Tae, an angry Aoshi, and a shattered Kenshin. Yahiko didn’t want to forgive Kenshin for hurting Kaoru, but found his anger melting away. Setting the tea on the desk, he heard Kenshin whisper brokenly, “She, can’t be, gone. She can’t.”

Frowning, he turned and examined Kenshin closely. What he saw surprised him. Kenshin was as broken and lost as Kaoru was. He scowled, this wasn’t right, two people weren’t supposed to hurt this much when they cared for each other. Making up his mind, he straightened up determinedly. When a man made a mistake, it was his responsibility to fix it. 

Grabbing Kenshin’s elbow, he towed the unresisting man out to the alleyway behind the Akabeko where they’d have privacy. Releasing him, Yahiko glared at him until he pulled himself together. “Yahiko?”

He demanded, “Do you love her?”

“What?!?”

“Do you love Kaoru? You told me that she was ours to care for. Is this true?”

“Yes, but I messed up and she’s gone. I was going to tell her tonight that I loved her, but she left.”

Yahiko crossed his arms, “You broke her heart. She thinks that you don’t love her, that you only want to be friends. She needed to get away from you to let her heart heal and I told her to go.”

Kenshin let out a small, sad, “Oro.”

“Will you fight for her? You know how stubborn she is when she gets an idea in her head.”

Feeling a growing determination, Kenshin nodded firmly. “I plan on spending the rest of my life loving her and protecting her. She is my everything.”

Yahiko nodded, pleased. “You and Sano taught me that when a man messes up, he has the responsibility of fixing it. You need to fix Kaoru. She went to meet up with Misao at the tiny town of ____.”

Kenshin hugged him briefly. “Thank you, Yahiko. I won’t let you down.” He spun away to fetch Aoshi.

Noticing that he had dropped the sessha, Yahiko was cautiously optimistic. He called after the rapidly retreating rurouni, “Kenshin?” He waited until Kenshin faced him. “Bring her home.”

“I will.”

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Settling comfortably on the cushion in her room at the tiny inn, Misao looked out the window and watched the crowd, praying that Kaoru would appear soon. She was getting bored of the inactivity. She missed the Aoiya and its constant bustle.

She grinned as she thought of her great escape. It had actually been much easier than she’d anticipated. First, she’d sent all of their messenger pigeons out to their farthest outposts, so they couldn’t quickly spread word of her disappearance. Then citing female issues, she’d gone to her room to rest. Once in her room, it had been the work of moments to dress in her most non-descript kimono and pack a bag. After that, it had been child’s play to slip out of town past the sentries.

She’d kept a low profile and it had only taken three days of walking to reach this town. The time on the road had been good for her, helping refresh her spirit, even if she did miss Aoshi-sama with a fierce ache. He probably hadn’t even noticed that she was missing yet. 

Upon reaching this town, she’d promptly sent the note to Kaoru. As she didn’t receive a note in return, she decided that Kaoru was indeed on her way to meet her and would be here today, tomorrow at the latest. She couldn’t wait to see the kendo instructor. Most women just didn’t understand them, shunned them, for their unusual ways. But Kaoru understood and Misao found that having even one person that understood and supported you made all the difference in the world. So playing absently with her kunai, she kept watch for Kaoru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I intentionally left the name of the town as a blank, simply because I was too lazy to try and figure out a real name. My apologies
> 
> So, I often listen to music when I write. Sometimes this leads to plot bunnies, but oftentimes, it helps my story flow better. When writing this chapter, the song “Anchor Me” by The Tenors came on. This song sums up Kaoru’s feelings in this chapter so perfectly. I encourage you to listen to it and let me know if you agree/disagree.


	6. Chapter 6

It took Kaoru just a little over two days to reach the inn where Misao waited. She felt bad about leaving without telling Kenshin goodbye, but at the same time, she felt an odd sense of freedom. She hadn’t realized the stress she’d been under being around Kenshin all the time, the constant uncertainty at where they stood. Even after making her decision, Kenshin’s presence had caught her at odd times, filling her with longing for a future together. It had hurt to walk away, like she’d been beat all over, but she also felt like she could draw a full breath for the first time for a long, long time. The distance had helped and she found herself if not happy, at least content with how things turned out.

She made her way through the streets to the inn that Misao had named in her letter. Finding it, she made her way down the street to it, laughing because she swore that she had heard Misao yell her name. This turned out to be true as Misao came barreling out of the building and grabbed her in a fierce hug, chattering a mile a minute. Returning the hug, Kaoru didn’t even try to pick apart the words, knowing that it would be a few minutes until Misao calmed down enough to talk intelligibly. Kaoru knew that her ‘death’ had deeply affected the other woman, knew that she needed to touch her to reassure herself that Kaoru was there and was real.

Finally, she managed to move both of them off the street and into the private rooms that Misao had booked, Misao bouncing excitedly alongside her. “You came! I’m so glad that you came! I knew that you would, of course, but when you didn’t write back and didn’t show up yesterday, I started to wonder, but I told myself that you would never just leave me somewhere until I turned to dust without word or coming yourself. Anyway, if you did that, I’d just hunt you down anyway. I’m so glad that you’re here! We have so much to talk about!”

Kaoru laughed and tossed a cushion at Misao, hitting her square in the face. “Breathe, we have plenty of time to talk, you don’t have to share everything in the first two minutes. I’m glad to be here and of course I’m glad to see you. How are you doing? Have you made any progress with Aoshi?” She was startled to see Misao’s expression darken and her whole attitude became more somber. “Misao?”

Misao sat across from Kaoru and hugged herself tightly. She said quietly, “I don’t know what to do, Kaoru. I couldn’t stay there at the Aoiya. It was obvious that Aoshi-sama will never see me as more than a child.” Keeping her eyes downcast, she softly explained everything that had happened, how she’d seen him laughing with the woman, his attempted visit, her leaving, and his multiple attempts to meet with her in the days before her departure to meet with Kaoru. She finally confessed, “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and wish him happiness with someone else while my heart is breaking. I just can’t do it, Kaoru.”

Kaoru reached out and gently pried Misao’s hands away from where they were digging harshly into her arms. “It cuts deeply to realize that you’re in love with a man that’ll never love you back. That you’ve spent years pining after someone that will never see you as more than a friend or even worse, a sister.”

Hearing the pain in Kaoru’s voice, Misao’s head shot up and her eyes met Kaoru’s. “Kaoru?”

She admitted quietly, “I’ve given up on Kenshin.”

“What?!?!?!?”

Seeing Misao’s shock, she sighed slightly and gathered herself before beginning. Taking a deep breath, she shared the whole story, from learning about Tomoe, to the time spent with Enishi, the past year at the dojo, and finally her decision on her birthday and all that had followed since. Her voice was starting to go hoarse from talking for so long, but her heart felt oddly light afterwards.

“Oh, Kaoru,” Misao laughed, her voice watery from unshed tears. “What a pair we make. Both heartsick over a pair of bakas.” 

Kaoru chuckled slightly, thinking of how Hiko always called Kenshin, baka deshi. Smiling, she grabbed Misao’s hand and squeezed it fiercely. “We will make it! We’ll get through this and we’ll be happy again. And someday, our children will play together and we’ll look back and wonder why we ever felt such despair. We’re warriors and this is nothing more than a battle. Of the heart, but a battle nonetheless.”

Misao nodded, a fierce light burning in her eyes. “As long as we have each other, sister of the heart, we’ll be fine.”

Kaoru hugged her, feeling a few stray tears escape. Releasing her, she drew in a shaky breath and straightened her shoulders. “Now, enough of the doom and gloom. Tell me everything that’s happened since I last saw you.”

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

It was a gnawing, aching need to see her. Every moment that he was away from her, the feeling seemed to grow, to intensify. It had been torture to take the time to return to the dojo and gather supplies, make sure that everything was closed up tight. The only reason that he took the time was the fact that Kaoru was sure to be both angry and heartbroken if anything happened to her family’s dojo in their absence. So, although it had hurt, he’d taken the time to make sure that everything was handled properly before setting off, a silent Aoshi at his side.

Normally, Kenshin would wonder why Misao had left Aoshi, but his thoughts were too consumed with Kaoru. Why had she fled? Had he really hurt her so badly that the only option she had was to leave him? He was a man at war with himself. He was determined that he get her back, but what if she was happier without him?

He shook his head, abruptly dismissing that thought before panic could overwhelm him. He knew in his heart of hearts that Kaoru loved him deeply. Looking back, he could see clearly all the little things that she had done every day that declared her love clearer than any words could. And if she said that it was too late, well, he’d just have to coax her around to his point of view. He felt a grin tug at the corner of his lips. That way held great promise as well.

He readjusted the pack on his back and picked up the pace, wanting to catch up to the girls before they got it into their heads to take off on a great adventure.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Kaoru tried to draw a deep breath, her ribs aching from all the laughter she and Misao had shared. “You didn’t!”

Misao’s grin was huge, her eyes alight with mischief. “I did. You should have seen the look on their faces, a mix of confusion, disbelief, and awe. So totally worth it.”

Kaoru eyed the remnants of their lunch, trying to decide if she wanted another dumpling or not, but decided against it, unwilling to get up from where she was sprawled lazily on the floor. It was her contentment that made her miss the first warning, it’s familiarity a comforting thing. However, when Kenshin’s ki brushed her a second time, she bolted upright, panic and anger filling her. Misao was on her feet instantly, a kunai in each hand, but Kaoru ignored her as she spread her senses to double check that it was indeed Kenshin that she’d felt.

She turned to tell Misao only to see the other girl’s eyes become a blue flame of anger. She’d obviously done her own check to see what Kaoru had felt, but what had she discovered to make her look like that? “Misao?”

Misao spat, “He’s here. How dare he come after me now!”

“Kenshin?”

“No, Aoshi.” Her eyes widened, “You mean Kenshin’s here too?”

Kaoru nodded grimly, “They’re here at the inn. Aoshi must’ve come to the dojo looking for you and met up with Kenshin. Tae must’ve told them were I’d gone. Can we get away?”

Misao shook her head grimly right as there was a knock on the door. She whispered desperately in Kaoru’s ear, “Act normal. Don’t let them know how we feel.”

They barely had time to compose themselves before the door opened and the men that had caused them such heartache stepped inside. Kaoru hated how her heart leapt at the sight of him, how he could make her feel so much so easily. Widening her eyes innocently, she said, “Kenshin! Aoshi-san! What are you doing here? Has something happened?”

She suddenly realized what her instincts were clamoring for her to realize. Something was off with Kenshin. His usual rurouni façade was gone, he was drawn up to his full height, his shoulders back, and his gaze direct. She could feel his amber gaze burning into her, studying her closely as if checking for any injuries, making sure that she was ok. While this annoyed her, a small bubble of warmth filled her at this sign of caring.

When neither man responded immediately, she tried again, “Kenshin? Is something wrong?”

Suddenly, he was at her side, startling her. His voice was deeper than usual when he spoke, “We need to talk, Kaoru.”

Now she knew something was wrong, he never dropped the dono from her name. “Go ahead.”

His eyes shifted to where Aoshi and Misao where locked in a silent battle of wills, eyes narrowed at each other. “Privately.”

“No.” Kaoru knew that her fragile emotional armor would crumble if she was alone with him.

His eyes flashed dangerously, but he said calmly, “Fine.” Before she could react, he picked her up and sped from the inn, using his god speed. The inn was situated close to the town’s edge and he quickly exited the town and made his way to a small clearing. 

Kaoru gritted her teeth, resisting the urge to smack him or shriek. When he finally set her down, she sprang out of his arms and several feet away, furious with him. Keeping her hands clenched in fists to resist the temptation to hit him, she yelled, “Kenshin, you baka! What were you thinking? You could’ve injured yourself. Are you insane? What are you even doing here anyway?”

Kenshin’s heart had felt like it was frozen solid since he’d learned that she’d left, warmed at the concern mixed in with the anger. That she cared about him even though she was angry was a balm to his soul, the jagged ache of a wound long forgotten soothed away as if it’d never existed. It had been so long since someone had cared that deeply about him, although he supposed Hiko cared for him in his own way. It felt like, it felt like….. His eyes widened a fraction and his last shield dropped as he finally put a name on what he’d felt the first time he’d walked into the dojo and every day since. It felt like home.

Frustrated and slightly fearful of his continued silence, Kaoru went to touch him on the shoulder. Before her fingers could touch him, his arms shot out and dragged her firmly to him and he buried his face in her hair. Shocked, she stood stock still, trying desperately to figure out what was going on. However, when she felt him drop a small kiss on her hair, her paralysis was finally broken. She shoved him away, managing to escape his grip only because he wasn’t expecting that. Taking several steps back, she crossed her arms and glared at him. “What is the matter with you! Have you lost your mind?”

His arms remained outstretched for a moment, a silent plea. Noting her stubborn stance, he reluctantly lowered them. Keeping his voice calm although his eyes burned with emotion, he said, “I’ve finally come to my senses. I came to bring you home, where you belong.” He watched as pain flashed briefly across her face and she shook her head no. “I need you, Kaoru.”

She struggled to find the right words, trying to keep her breaking heart off her face. It would be so easy to hear what she had longed to hear in his statement. But it would hurt more in the long run if she went back now, so she slowly shook her head no again, “Kenshin, I need time. I need space. I will come back to the dojo, I promise. But this is something I have to do for myself. I can’t go on like we are anymore. This isn’t like when Enishi took me. I will return. But not until I’m ready.”

A knife of pain sliced through him at the memory of Enishi. Realizing again how close he’d come to losing her for forever, he was galvanized into action. Closing the distance between them, he grabbed her hands to prevent her from moving away. “Kaoru, you’re not hearing what I’m saying. I. Need. You.” He saw her pulse beating wildly, but her words were calm.

“Kenshin, I’m sorry, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be just friends with you anymore. It’s killing me.”

He shrugged. “Who said anything about friends?”

She made a sharp sound of distress. “Three years, Kenshin! You’ve had three years! Why are you doing this now? When I’d just finally accepted that it’s time to move on. Why?”

He rubbed his thumb gently across her knuckles, trying to soothe her. “Kaoru, you don’t understand. I am rurouni. I wandered for ten years and fully intended to roam for the rest of my life. I accepted that I would spend the rest of my life atoning for the lives I’d taken. It was the price I would pay for bringing in a new era. I wandered, never staying anywhere for longer than a week or so, owning little more than my sword and the clothes on my back. But three years ago, something happened.”

She fought to turn her eyes away, but he refused to release her gaze from his. He continued intently, “Three years ago, I met a woman, a courageous beautiful woman, who stood up for her beliefs. Who was willing to die to protect them. The belief in life. I was intrigued but weary, for I had seen so much evil, so much good crushed carelessly by it. Still, the brightness of her flame drew me irresistibly. I decided to help, unable to see that flame lost to darkness. The problem was handled and I prepared to move on, unwilling to stain this bright light with my darkness. Then something I never could have anticipated happened.”

She had stopped struggling while he talked, listening to every word intently of this unusual openness of his. “The light reached out to me and told me that it didn’t care if I was dark, it just wanted me. For the first time for as long as I could remember, the darkness eased and I felt a spark of hope, as the light freely shared its light with me. When I walked into your dojo, Kaoru, it felt like coming home. But my past kept appearing and I couldn’t keep you safe, couldn’t keep my new family safe. It was my worst nightmare come to life each time someone else from my past showed up. Then Enishi came.” The last part was a ragged whisper.

He was startled when he felt Kaoru’s fingers tighten on his slightly, drawing him from his dark memories. His expression softened and he gently cupped her cheek. “When Enishi took you, made it appear like he’d killed you, it broke me. My flame that had lit up my existence was gone, plunging me into unrelenting darkness. When I learned that you were still alive, I can’t even begin to describe it, it was like I came back to life myself. But it wasn’t until I saw you again that I could finally breathe again, that my world was finally right again. We won and came back to the dojo, everything was as it was supposed to be. But as I healed and things slowly returned to normal, I grew restless. I wanted more than just friendship, I wanted everything. But I was rurouni and it was my past that had put you in such danger repeated. I didn’t deserve anything more than I already had.”

“Kenshin….”

He shook his head, silencing her. His voice dropped as he continued, the confusion and pain clearly evident, “Then, about a month ago, something changed. You were more withdrawn, burdened. You smiled less and less and the light in your eyes dimmed. When you looked at me, there was so much confusion and pain in your eyes. As the days wore on and there was no change, I felt the Battousai stir, desperate to fix whatever was hurting you so badly. My heart ached at your pain. Your birthday came and you spent the day meditating. Towards the end, I felt your ki settle and I was so hopeful. Maybe now, you would finally tell me what was wrong and I could help you. Things could finally get better. But I was wrong, so very wrong.”

“What….?”

“When I heard your laughter, I was excited. But when I met your eyes, it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but your gaze was different. You looked at me with kindness, but the warmth, your warmth for me, was gone. It terrified me. I had broken something between us, broken you, and I had no idea what I’d done or how I could fix it. I did everything I could think of to bring that light back, but nothing worked and you were getting more distant every day. It was driving me wild and when Megumi came and you said what you did, my blood ran cold. I realized that I’d lost something infinitely precious, I’d lost my heart by my inability to let go of my past. I’d resolved then and there that I would talk to you as soon as you returned, wouldn’t be put off this time. I would tell you how much I loved you, how much I desperately needed you. How I needed you more than food or water or even air.”

He gripped her hands tighter and searched her eyes desperately. “Aoshi showed up, looking for Misao, so I took him to the inn. When I learned that you had left, my heart shattered. I had lost it, lost everything. It was Yahiko that helped me and I realized that I had to get you back. I will do anything for you, Kaoru, anything at all. I will beg, it that’s what you want. The only thing that I will never do is leave you, never give up. Tell me that it isn’t too late. Tell me how to fix this, koi. I love you. Don’t give up on me, on us.”

She was visibly torn. “What about Tomoe?”

“I loved her. I’ll never deny that or say that it was a mistake. But she was a resting place. You, Kaoru, you are life. You accept all of me and bring me to life. I love you and want to spend the rest my life with you, loving you.”

She suddenly ripped her hands from him and paced a few steps away before turning back to face him, bitterness clear on her face. “How convenient, that you suddenly realize all of this when I finally decide to move. When I reach twenty and you realize what that means for a woman. I don’t need your pity, Kenshin. I’d rather be alone than with someone who believes that he doesn’t deserve to be loved, but married me out of a guilty conscience. Go away, before I do something that I’ll regret.”

He debated internally for a minute before speaking. “I am worthy of being loved and loving in return. I heard what you told Tae. About Battousai and rurouni.”

She tugged furiously at her hair in aggravation and snapped, “You eavesdropped too? Does no one respect privacy anymore?!!!”

“I thought about what you said and realized that you were right. That you saw me clearer than I had ever seen myself. Not as separate, broken, but as one man, flawed and human, but whole and worthy of being loved. Make no mistake, I was broken when we met. But every time you welcomed me home, accepted my care, squabbled with me regardless of my past, I healed. Yahiko, Sano, and Megumi helped as well, but it was you, Kaoru, that did it. When you came after me, blew up the kitchen trying to cook for me, scolded me, you moved a little deeper into my heart. But when you held me while I cried, after Enishi, you stole my heart completely. Please don’t push me away, don’t tell me that it’s too late. Let me win your heart and your love, Kaoru. Let me love you and love me back. Be mine forever.”

She hesitated, trying to make sense of the whirling chaos of her thoughts. She couldn’t keep the tremor from her voice and she hated that she was showing weakness, “What about when you want to roam again? When you want to leave?”

“It’ll never happen. You’re my home, Kaoru. I’ve been searching for a place to belong for so long now, so very long. Now I know that I was looking in the wrong places. My home is not a place, it’s you. My home is wherever you are, Kaoru. Forever.”

She wrung her hands absently. Taking a deep breath, she met his gaze squarely and asked softly, “You love me? Truly love me?”

He stepped forward and brushed a wisp of hair from her face, his gaze tender. “With all my heart. Let me love you, Kaoru. Tell me how to win your love.”

Feeling her heartbreak disappear like it’d never existed, she whispered, “It’s already yours. I love you, Kenshin. Forever.”

Feeling his heart overflow with joy, he closed the space between them and proceeded to kiss her thoroughly, trying to convey how much he loved her, how he would protect her and guard the precious gift that she’d given him, her heart. When he finally broke the kiss, they were both breathing heavily, Kaoru flushed and boneless in his arms. Grinning in masculine satisfaction, he couldn’t resist giving her another quick kiss before reluctantly pulling back. Steadying her, he asked, “Marry me?”

Her eyes sparkled mischievously and his heart warmed at seeing it. “Hmm, I don’t know. Perhaps I should think on it for a few months or years.”

He groaned, “Kaoru.”

She laughed and gave him a quick kiss. “Of course I’ll marry you, you baka! I’ve waited for you for three years.”

“Hold on.” Letting her go, he started digging through his bag. Pulling out an object, he offered it to her shyly. “I know it’s not a ring, but I made this for you.”

She took the object and examined it closely. It was a delicate hair comb, intricately carved with jasmine blossoms and it had been smoothed and polished until it resembled silk to the touch. Smiling, she tucked it proudly into her hair and held out her hand to him. When he took it, she tugged him closer and said, “Let’s go home.”

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Aoshi and Misao barely noticed Kenshin and Kaoru leaving, trying to stare each other down. He had never seen her so furious, all joy and frivolity stripped away. Finally she sighed and looked away, surprising him. She motioned for him to sit at the table while she poured him a cup of tea. He moved slowly to where she’d indicated, studying her closely. She looked so tired, so worn down, that it made his heart clench. He was thankful that he’d hadn’t had to dodge her kunai, but now he wished that she’d thrown at least one, shown at least a hint of anger, instead of this defeated woman in front of him. After she had poured him tea, she settled her hands in her lap and focused on them. She asked quietly, “Why did you follow me?”

Setting his tea aside untouched, he clenched his hands to keep from touching her. “Why did you leave, Misao?”

“Because.”

He waited for her to continue, but the silence stretched between them. This was unlike her, the energetic, chatterbox that he adored and that drove him absolutely insane at the same time. Finally, he asked, “Are you unhappy at the Aoiya?”

She looked up and finally met his eyes, anger and pain burning in hers. “I will not stay there and watch you parade women in front of me, Aoshi. I’ve made no secret of how I feel about you. Instead, you and everyone at the Aoiya treat me like a child. I am nearly twenty and no one’s even bothered to court me. I know that I’m unfeminine, loud and tomboyish, but I don’t have to stay and have my heart broken repeatedly.” 

Narrowing his eyes slightly, he said icily, “No one had courted you because everyone knows that you’re mine.”

She cursed at him. “I’m not yours, I’m not anybody’s. I’m sorry if you’ve had rumor trouble because someone’s linked my name with yours. Don’t worry, I’m not going back to the Aoiya, you can court whomever you want. Just stay far away from me.”

He eyed her, seeing the woman that she’d become instead of the child she had been. She was perfect and he smiled slightly, a predatory glint. She sprang to her feet, but he was quicker, clearing the table and pinning her in his arms. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, “No.”

She turned into a wild thing, trying everything she could to escape him, but he held firm, letting her work out her anger and pain. Her struggles grew weaker and weaker. Finally, she surrendered and stopped fighting. Leaning her head against his chest, she asked, tears evident in her voice, “Why won’t you let me go? Leave me dignity.”

He stroked her back gently, soothing her. Moving over to a chair, he sat, pulling her to where she was cuddled firmly against him. “You misunderstood, Misao-mine. I tried to talk to you, but you avoided me. You’ve become quite the ninja.”

Feeling her heart warm slightly at his endearment, she ventured, “Misunderstood?”

“That day at the Aoiya. She’s a distant relative and a good friend of mine. I’d written for her to bring me something that I’d left in her keeping. I was happy because I was sharing my plans of the future with her. Okina’s deadline had finally passed and I could ask you.”

Her voice deadly sharp, she asked, “Okina’s deadline?”

“When I approached him about courting and marrying you, he insisted that I would only receive his blessing if I didn’t say anything to you until you were nineteen and a half. It was torture, but I did it, because I know how much he cares for you and how much you love him.”

She muttered, “When I get my hands on him, he is so dead, so very, very, dead.”

Drawing her attention back to him, he said, “He left the Aoiya, said that he’d return when he received a wedding invitation. Anyway, enough of him. Why did you run from me, Misao-mine? It’s not like you to run from a fight.”

She fiddled absently with a kunai and he eased at seeing her familiar habits reasserting themselves. “You’d never said anything and I know that I can be very childish sometimes. That woman was beautiful and mature, and I’m so short and scrawny that I can pass for a boy. Why would you choose me?”

He gently lifted her chin so that their eyes could meet. “I would choose you every single time. You stood by me, Misao, even after everything that happened. Your loyalty amazed me, even as I resented you for not allowing me to retreat into myself. Your spirit is so vibrant, your heart so alive, that it showed me that there was still beauty in the world. You healed me, Misao-mine, and I love you. I know that people call me icy, but you’ve thawed me, down to my innermost heart. Your strength, your stubbornness, your ninja skills, and your childlike joy, draw me irresistibly to you. I know that I don’t say much, but never doubt how much I adore you.”

Awed and speechless from the words of the normally stoic man, Misao threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. He held her closer and returned the kiss with interest. When they finally broke apart, she hit him on the chest, but it lacked true anger behind it, she was so incandescently happy. She scolded, “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Aoshi-sama. You hurt me, you know. How are you going to make it up to me?”

He smiled and she soaked up the rare sight. Reaching into a pocket, he drew out something, making her curious. Opening up his hand so she could see, he showed her the ring. It was a delicate gold band with a small jade stone that shimmered deeply, the color matching her eyes. “This was my mother’s and what I asked my cousin to bring to me. Marry me?”

She tackled him, her enthusiasm overflowing, as she shouted, “Yes, yes, yes!” 

He took advantage of the situation and kissed her again. When they broke apart, she sighed and smiled, gently cupping his cheek and laying her forehead against his. Suddenly her eyes flew open and she shouted, “Kaoru!”

He shrugged laconically. “She’s with Kenshin.”

She twisted out of his grip and started pacing. “You don’t understand. She doesn’t want to see him. She’s moving on. He’s going to hurt her again. We need to find them, right now!”

He caught her, forcing her to look at him. “Kenshin loves her. He’s going to fix his mistake. Now, why don’t we pack your belongings so we can return to the Aoiya as soon as they return? We have a wedding to plan.”

Looking at him doubtfully, but excited at the thought of finally marrying the man she loved, she quickly moved to do as he suggested.

* . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . * . *

Feeling their approach, Misao and Aoshi were waiting in front of the inn when Kenshin and Kaoru finally appeared. The girls immediately started talking a mile a minute, gesturing wildly and showing each other the gifts that they’d received. The men watched silently, an amused indulgence showing on their faces, their hearts content.

It had been a long road and doubtless there would be more obstacles in the future. But whatever came, both couples knew that they’d be strong enough to face it together, secure in their love for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was working on this chapter when a song came on. “Wait for you” by Elliot Yamin. In my opinion, this song so perfectly sums up Kenshin’s feelings for Kaoru in this story. Let me know if you agree
> 
> Thank you for reading Twenty. Reviews are appreciated!!


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